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Shades of Shade

I’m making the same mistakes again. Letting my emotions lead

me. Eventually, I always get my heart-broken. Will I never learn? Must I repeat the same pattern again?
I am so frustrated right now. I’m doing it again. Putting all my eggs in a single basket. Even when I know that things could never work out.
Is it a crush? Infatuation? Obsession?
Why is it that I always find myself getting attached, attracted and overly concerned to people who always break my heart. I’ve made mistakes that should have served as eye openers when it comes to my love life…
I guess I was never meant to date or be in a relationship. They never last…and it hurts real bad when things don’t work out. Maybe it’s all for a purpose.
This is a reason why I don’t have friends. When they leave, I have to start rebuilding my walls and recreating my defenses and barricades…

My name is Shade
Don’t be like me…

So he told me he likes me a lot and would love for us to date. I smile and tell him OK knowing that it would never last. I like him but I also know he’s not the one I’d eventually settle down with.
I guess I am commitment phobic. But people don’t believe such a thing exists.
9 months down the line,we’ve broken up. I knew this would happen. I predicted it. So why am I still sad? Heartbroken? Confused?
Did I love him? Or not?
I’m just tired of this cycle.

I’m thinking of going gay. Maybe being a lesbian would help. Would it?
I have so much bad luck with guys that I think I might be better off with ladies.
So I try it. It’s still the same. Things go wrong.
Jeez. Is this a generational family problem?

It’s deliverance time. These pastors have
asked me to fast. Been doing that for a week now. I just pray their prayers work…
The prayers are over, been soaked and scrubbed in anointing oil. Huh. It has to work…

I try dating again. I meet a really nice guy. Treats me like a queen, loves God and men. We go steady.
Then he proposes marriage. I get cold feet. I reason, sweat and ponder. I love this guy, right? I should be able to say yes , right?
So what is holding me back?
The deliverance should have worked.
Jeez. This is getting out of hand.

Aisha recommends theraphy. She gives me her doctor’s office number and address. I call. He says he’s available by Friday. I go out of curiosity. He tries his methods. Hypnosis, and all those weird stuff they recommend.
It seems to be working. A year down the line, me and Dr Therapy start dating. It all seems good.
Until he introduces me to his family. Turns out his sister was one of the ladies I dated, his cousin the guy that proposed marriage, his mother the woman who my dad had been with when my mom was out of the country on business. Several times.
Dysfunctional, right?
Not a romantic love story…

I’ve given up on love. It doesn’t exist. I’ve not seen proof of it in my life.
I’m just gonna get a dog. They don’t lie, cheat..
They commit to their owners.
Dogs are reliable.

So here I am, proudly single. Definitely not searching and no longer in need of any solutions….

My name is Shade.
And I’m not normal…

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